Hate Plates
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Big fucking wow. Everyone is feigning interest in your 'I did a thing.' -
Everyone is desperate to view your engagement video
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Hate plate for some wanker's super yacht art collection
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Hate plate to cover a minor diy disaster
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I must confess I hearted the video you sent without actually watching it
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I only came to get good content
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I really regret the seventh espresso martini
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Not to worry I brought my own rug so you don't have to ask me to take my shoes off
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Oh do shut the fuck up about your tasteless new extension
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Oh fuck. Not another whatsapp group that I will hastily archive
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Oh stop. You are not an interior designer
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Please do not text your dealer. This was meant to be a simple drinks do
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Please note that when you put your wine in our fridge, it is now our wine
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Please stop posting shit holiday photos with the unimaginative 'Mondays ain't so bad.'
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Sorry but I need to wait at least 4 hours to reply to make it appear I am terribly busy
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Sorry but you are more annoying than one of those tossers with a pointlessly loud exhaust
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Sorry, no chance of fucking tonight as regrettably, I am full of Wetherspoons curry club
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We only stayed as we heard you were finally getting a round in (you cheapskate bastard)
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When I get too emotionally sentimental and play Beauty And The Beast, sang wonderfully by Angela Lansbury, please leave
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Yes, you already told us the price of your bath tub
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Do not blame the algorithm for the poor response to your tacky renovation project
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Fuck your fucking moany and drink this nice negroni
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Hate plate for a downstairs toilet where you send your least favourite guests
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I only came to flirt with your mother
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Just stop. There are more than enough cushions
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Just to let you know, I'm almost there with my comeback to your savage put down in high school
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No worries if not I'll just check your stories to see if you're doing what you said you'd be doing
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Please do not take my hasty emoji reply as a firm commitment to your plan
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Please tell the guests to fucking vamoosh
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Please, I am pretending to enjoy the natural wine
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Sorry but no one gives a flying fuck that you are taking an instagram break
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Sorry no chance of fucking tonight as regrettably, I am full of jacket potato
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The smug satisfaction of the perfect excuse message and then leaving the group chat
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With a little bit of luck we can make it through the dire dinner party
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You are as predictable as a pub renovation
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Oh Christ. Not another achingly dull still life involving some fucking flowers and fruit
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Oh my goodness we are sorry for the confusion. That soap is for very special guests. We have some basic squelchy stuff for you
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We are sorry but posting shit pictures of your mediocre living room does not make you an interior designer
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We are sorry but posting shit pictures of your very safe and mediocre living room does not make you an interior designer
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Don't you dare expect me to commit to the lavish and overly ambitious Sunday plans we made on a rosé soaked Saturday
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We bought this in the hope the artist's work will command a pretty penny, so please do not disappoint our daydreams of a lavish yet rustic Italian villa with an infinity pool with glorious sunsets
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Sorry Darling, there were no sodding Shrigleys left, so I got you this
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Rather pretty shitty vase for pretty shitty flowers
